A Letter To the Guy Who Lived Too Far Away

Dear WT,

I’ll keep this short and vague. (Trust me. I could go on and on.)

A week ago I woke up and I was in so much pain. I had tissues surrounding my bed, my eyes were bloodshot and my head was pounding from all the crying I had done that entire night. I took some ibuprofen to kill the headache, but it didn’t really kill the heartache. I was aching because I lost you long before I actually did. Aching for something physical that I didn’t have with you. I lost you, but you also lost me. So who really lost here?

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To My Old Roommates

Dear Noelle and Julia,

I’m sorry I disappeared from the face of the Earth for a while there. I needed some time to myself. I’m finally a working girl again now that I’m getting into a healthier place. I have bipolar disorder & it is no joke. I’m taking it very seriously. You don’t even know the half of it. It caused me to do a lot of dumb stuff that mostly Noelle witnessed and for that I’m very sorry.

I know a lot happened when/before I left. I’m making absolutely no excuses for my actions. I did what I did despite my condition. I know I DID leave with almost no warning and I am so sorry.

I hate to say that I met you guys at a very rough time in my life because I wish I hadn’t. I wish I could’ve been happy, healthy and thriving but I was miserable, sick and dying. You guys could only help me so much and please believe me when I say you did. But regardless of what happened, I’m glad I met you two and the rest of our friends that you guys introduced me to. I love you all. SO. FREAKING. MUCH.

I enjoyed my time getting to know all of you.

 

 

Noelle,

You were the best roommate I could’ve asked for. You were patient, kind, generous and not annoying at all which are all the qualities I hoped for in a roommate. Thank you for understanding the weight of my heart. I love you

 

Julia,

I know we only lived together for a short while, but I love you too. You were friendly, thoughtful and I wish we could’ve talked more about makeup. I hope you enjoyed your time in Singapore and I hope to see you this summer.

 

You two are very unique and I’m so glad I met the both of you. I’m sorry I was so unpredictable but I really do care about you two. I hope we can enjoy ourselves when I visit. I’m invested in having a long life friendship with you both. But again, I apologize.

 

 

♡ Mayra

Love Doesn’t Rhyme With You

When the moon rules the sky

And the birds no longer fly

I call you and make sure you can’t hear me from my side

I just want to hear your voice, I’m not gonna lie

Your best friend still tells me things that you do

Like all the words you said and all the pictures you drew

We were a black eyed love

Its a love I learned when I went through it with you 

Desire

Your emeralds of desire

Stare right into my core,

Or my soul

I don’t even know the difference anymore

 
Kiss my head

My shoulders, My neck

Grab me by the hips

And carry me to your bed

 

Desire took what it wanted

It left us both exhausted

But what I didn’t know

Was that I was falling

 

Lost cause

I never knew I’d spend

So much time

Running away from things

Or driving things away

I’m skipping states

Like kids skip stones

I’m the girl who always migrates

But always seems to leave some bones

He promised me “I’ll always be there

No matter where you go”

But he’s chasing a lost cause

I’ll always be one, no matter where I go

So I’ll leave trails of kisses on you

But I’ve already been here, so I’ve got to go

You have to learn that promises

Are just lies waiting to be told

Soul

 

Something always bigger
Than the embodied soul.
Attempts at death seem useless.
Something keeps the soul awake.
No slumber,
Nor rest to take.
Living day by day with stress
Seems a waste.
Not only the strength
But the urge to stay in one place.
Wanting to leave the body,
Only failure awaits.
Being lost in a bliss
Seems so far away.
Wanting peace
Only pushes it away.
Only listening to my words
Takes its place.
Smoke tree.
Yet drug free
Is the way to be.
How?
When only earths taste
Feels so great.
That which only brings false faith
In something material.
I lay I’m waste.
No sorrow
Or groom
Fills the soul.
Only an empty hole,
Waiting for grace.
Leave me now,
Forever hold your peace.
Love tomorrow
Will be my new release.

A bit of masochism

 

This is an excerpt from a journal I kept back in 2013. It’s one of my absolute favorites.

10.5.13

I want to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Masochism. Nothing turns me on unlike self-inflicted harm. Well, that’s not 100% true, I don’t get off on misery but I think I am addicted to it. By this pain I mean emotional, not physical (maybe under the right circumstances). To elaborate a little more, I seem to hurt myself in many different ways. I deprive myself of sleep and food, and some days I get too much of both. Some days I smoke too many cigarettes and some days I have none. But finally, I bring myself down a lot on a daily basis and there are an infinity amount of ways that I do that.

Trying to better myself doesn’t seem very hard or far-fetched. But instead I spend most of my free time in my room eating away at myself. I remind myself that I’m killing the last few friendships I care about and how I waste my time sulking, thinking I have no one to count on, but I actually do.

All I really have left is this tired body of mine. All the negativity really took a toll into my soul. I feel defeated. But I really should take some ownership on my rottenness. I’m lonely, sad and out of shape. This is who I am. This is me. I’ve always been told that loving yourself is one of the most crucial things to being happy, and maybe one day I will love myself. Yeah, this is who I am and I’m pretty okay with it sometimes.

Fake it ’til ya make it, yeah?

Things I do don’t make me happy, but I might as well be happy doing them. I feel like everyday I’m disappearing more and more. My sleep is completely fucked. I stay up a day or two at a time, and then I just sleep days away. My dreams know when I’m in pain because they try to soothe me. They fool me into thinking I’m awake and happy. I’ll dream that I’m watching a movie or something with my friends, just getting along and having a good time and then I’ll wake up to a lonely, dark room. Disappointed, I’ll shut my eyes and try to go back to sleep. I could lose my days like this. Give them up for moments that aren’t even real.

When I’m awake and not at school, I’ll do everything possible that I like to distract myself. Netflix, books, YouTube, video games; as long as I’m not thinking I’m pretty okay. Thinking leads me to dwelling which leads to sadness. Sometimes I meditate and try to figure myself out. It’s hard because my brain is bombarded by negative thoughts and feelings that I bring upon myself. But when I do fight  those off I manage to see a small glimpse of who I am, and who I’m trying to be. Like I said, becoming a better person isn’t hard, I just make it that way. I used to be so sure of what I wanted.

I had goals. I had drive. I had morals. I had passion. I had confidence. I buried all these things awhile ago.

At the end of the day, I’m just very confused. I’m not so sure what I want out of life, and I’m not sure how I would begin to ask myself that question. Sometimes they’re goodbyes and sometimes they’re hellos. This time, I hope it’s goodbye.